In which I follow a gossamer thread

So far so good. I'm being consistent. Though I really really really need to switch to mornings. Still doing a little backtracking, though, so there's still some censorship involved. And I'm staying on safe topics, which may end up counterproductive. I'm interested that I still feel stupid about this. Read a book recently about seeing your emotions reflected back. Saw the main plot point for miles. Re-read Homeward Bounders, too, which I love. I think I bring these up because of the sense of alienation I've been feeling. I seem to be exisitng in almost any plane but this one. I'm finding it hard to anchor myself. Of course, I always found it hard to anchor myself, but it seems even worse than usual. I'm just so not here. Which is why I've been singing Circus so much this past week.... But it's more everything than relationships, so if someone should stumble across this and wonder, it's not anyone specific that my "So if I lie to you and smile at thoughts, It's only half way here... it's just a circus, and I'm singing, I'm never really near" refers to. Just life in general. Like when people core dump on me, I can't really... I can't find the word I want. It's not that I don't listen, or absorb it, or hear it, I do all that, but there's a layer of caring? interaction? something, anyway, that insulates me from it. Had an almost stranger start core dumping when I was calling to find out something about the kiddo's school clubs... I hear ya, sister, but I can't dredge up the empathy (that's the word!) I usually have. It's a much more superficial thing right now.

So there are layers and layers between me and everything at the moment. Not much seems to be helping. I'm stretching into a thinness so fine the thread is a gossamer that can barely be seen. Rather like in The Princess and the Goblin, but I wonder, if I took hold of the thin gossamer that is my current life and followed it as Irene did, would it lead me anywhere I really wanted to go? Something worth pondering. Need to reread that, too. Something comforting about Victorian sentimental morality. I'm not going to segue into politics, though I think about that a lot. I half promised I'd keep those thoughts off the web for the time being. I'm trying to work all the anger and frustration into a story, too, and if I vent here, it'll end up here and not where it might really do some good. It's all about apathy and entropy... Anyway, should be catharctic. I'm going to have to settle on what to write for NaNoWriMo, though. I'm bouncing between the two- the shimmer world and the underworld, as I'll codename 'em here. Advantage to underworld story is it has a built in plot. I could use a built in plot...

Ok, straying all over the place tonight. Crescent moon, thumbnail moon tonight. Magic time. Time to follow the gossamer thread, and hope it's strong enough to hold up under the tension stretching it even beyond spider silk. I need a vacation, the "Stop the World I want to Get Off" kind. By the way, once you get to three hurricanes, with a fourth on the way, the word "deliberate malice" starts to pop into mind... Almost makes you believe in a divine being. But then, so does DNA and quantum mechanics. Well, here's my fifteen minutes of fame almost up again. I wonder if that had anything to do with the choice of fifteeen minutes? Serendipity rules! Now I'm going to try to remember the word for when coincidence rules in other ways- like the not-quite random meaning that comes out of tarot decks. There's a word for that... Synchronicity, that's the word I'm looking for. Synchronicity.