In which I wander among shades of grey

Well, here I am again, still at night. Will try harder to switch to the am next week. Feeling sick today, probably from not enough quality sleep. I am falling asleep at the keyboard, so don't expect coherence. This will be more random, I think, because I really can't think of much to say. One thing I'd like to doi s stop reacting to life, stop the feeling that my main goal is to get through the day without going insane, and actually enjoy what i do. Kind of hard- my heart is not into my work at the moment, and scheduling is so tough there's not much time for any sort of quality time.

Been thinking a bit about books again. Started Inkheart. Didn't get very far yet (too tired to keep awake!) but I can tell it's a booklover's book. I suspect it's going to be one of those books I wish I'd written. Some nice quotes in it too, mostly about books. I continue to spend a lot of my daydreaming in the car time constructing fantasy occupations. I have to stop and pull myself back. I heard the other week in an exercise class that one problem with people is that they don't push their feet against the ground as much as they should when they walk, and that this prevents people from feeling grounded. Interesting thought. I may play with that. Lord knows I don't feel in the least bit grounded. I feel less and less here every day. It's just so hard to care anymore. Thing is, I keep feeling there is something I ought to be doing that would make a difference-something unique to my talents. But I can't see it. I have sweeping images of where everything is headed. There's an odd sense of certainty about them. But they've been wrong before (for example, I was pretty sure we'd use nukes. Granted we may still, but I thought we'd use 'em right away.) but there's this sense of clarity, of destiny to the ideas. Maybe it's one of the possible futures, and I feel I have the obligation to help steer us away from it. I don't know. Can I use this somehow to spur either action or a book? I don't know that either.

I feel like I can see more sides than most people around me now- I can see sides that aren't there yet, that sort of thing. The trends. The vibes. But so many people see things in black and white that the grey shadows creeping over everything get by in the colorblind spots. And we can't let the shadows win. We can acknowledge the grey and then, and only then, we can move on from where we really are. Black and white is easy. Shades of grey is hard. But the easy road is rarely the right road. Which is why I think I need to figure out what the heck I'm supposed to be doing.